the alchemy of longing
towards a heliotropism of the soul
One should always be drunk. That's all that matters; that's our one imperative need. So as not to feel Time's horrible burden that breaks your shoulders and bows you down, you must get drunk without ceasing.
But what with? With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you choose. But get drunk.
— Baudelaire
experimental delineations of an ongoing battle between my internal family system:
what is it that i want from life?
what is it that i should want?
what do i want to want, and how valid are the barriers, the ‘but’s and ‘if only’s that seem to separate the ‘want to want’ and the ‘want’?
my heart & body respond in unison with joy to many desires: to go hiking, learn languages, share memories with loved ones, dream and imagine, host dinner parties, make meaningful art, listen to, play & sing ethereal music, swim in lakes, get lost in good conversation, laugh so hard i forget everything else, find magic & mystery & symbolism that permeates the universe. activities that stimulate aliveness itself, sensorial presence, etc. above all, i want to be in the presence of beauty in the world until the impenetrable veil of uncreated Light thins & reveals itself more and more.
alas! cognitive dissonance. i slip into inertia, waiting for life to bring its magic to me, letting desire decay into fantasy and half-baked, fragmented thoughts. the revealed preference: i stay in my room and pretend to be plagued by my few ‘responsibilities’, lamenting that the bare minimum expected of me is somehow exhausting. buddhism teaches that desire is the root of all suffering; psalm 23 declares ‘i shall not want’. on the other hand, secular liberalism tells me ‘do what makes you happy; find your own meaning’ which sometimes leads to nihilistic hedonism. intuition says there’s a middle path between over-zealous duty & unbound desire somewhere, but figuring out exactly where those lines are drawn is another ordeal.
an embellished conversation in my head—
(the original alignment problem)
ego: why is what i want often misaligned with what i want to want, the version of me that God created me for, or what will bring my soul satisfaction?
id: some people devote their lives to helping others or serving God. these types exist in any activism-oriented subculture: climate change, veganism, social justice, effective altruism, etc. others envision the world they want to create, build companies or cults or other means of power and influence. this is their calling, what brings them fulfilment. they become almost like robots, single-minded towards their Great Cause. for people like me, it’s not so clear. mustn’t there be more to life?
superego: that’s projection. you’re jealous of their ‘roboticism’ because they’re actually doing something meaningful with their lives. you are selfish for clinging to a self-indulgent, indefinite adolescence free of responsibilities. you cannot move without grace, or acknowledgment that nothing you have is truly yours. sure, you’ve ‘worked’ for some things, but never enough to match all the sacrifices made before you. you already know you are privileged, undeserving, that nothing in this world comes for free. the Christian life calls us aspire towards total kenosis. the ladder of divine ascent was never promised to be an easy journey. the path to sainthood requires a continued focus on repentance. but the more you practice this, the easier it gets.
id: and yet, too much self-sacrifice may lead to burnout and further feelings of inadequacy. besides, Jesus says that His burden is light. His words provide tears of comfort, but i feel unworthy of even calling my burdens ‘burdens’. is it a sin to want more from life, for everyone?
superego: not necessarily. but not getting everything you want is just the result of the basic acknowledgment that the world does not revolve around you.
id: isn’t this the same logic that upheld slavery & other forms of oppression? the refusal to imagine alternative worlds, systems, resigning oneself to the arbitrary whims of the world as if they were inevitable chains, as if any self-advocacy was prideful or of the devil.
superego: i suppose you have a point, but be honest with yourself. do you dare compare your mild discomfort to slavery? you spit on the face of martyrs, cheapen true suffering and have revealed the depths of your self-deception. actually, maybe you are enslaved—but to your passions. there is no excuse to denounce your agency, which should be used to serve others and make a difference in the world, not satiate your base desires. grow up!
id: the kingdom belongs to the child! truly i tell you, you must become like children.
superego: there’s a difference between childishness and childlikeness. one evades all responsibility, the other receives life with wonder, purity, and unwavering trust.
ego: then perhaps the true responsibility might be to cultivate a life attuned to the eternal child inside us all, not blindly indulging but guarding it so that innocence ripens into wisdom. this restlessness is the heart searching for its true home. what if desire could become transfigured into a holy longing—the soul’s compass?
epektasis: ‘stretching out’—an endless pursuit toward God, where desire is never extinguished but continually elevated.
“no limit would interrupt growth in the ascent to God, since no limit to the Good can be found nor is the increasing of desire for the Good brought to an end because it is satisfied.”
(St. Gregory of Nyssa)